you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize