A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
