can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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