Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
