the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I did not marry a roomba.
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