I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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