Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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