Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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