I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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