Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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