I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize