So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
