you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
