I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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