sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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