if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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