Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Bring me that man meat
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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