I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
