My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Your penis caused this!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
