I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
