In the future we'll all be gay
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
being pregnant is like rehab
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
