True but thats because hes a fetus.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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