my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
