Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
