im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
