I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
