There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize