he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
