Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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