WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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