Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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