i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
