Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
