it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
