I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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