Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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