I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
