You can't motorboat a personality
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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