1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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