the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My cat gives me a boner
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
