i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
