so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
