The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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