its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
