oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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