we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
