Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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