I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
