Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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