The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
