I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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