I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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