Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
