lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
