i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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