I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
