a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize