someone owes me an orgasm
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
