I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
