I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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