Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
